nothing makes sense anymore

i just took a long walk around two of the lakes in our apartment complex. and as i admired the trees and the water i realized... the world is beautiful. but people are ugly. and because of this, i no longer value human life. we are the virus that plagues this beautiful world. we do not fit into the system of nature at all. everything we touch we destroy. someday humanity will kill itself off. we'll become extinct for one reason or another. i just hope that the planet outlives us and we don't end up destroying it as well... but i'm almost completely certain we will. and not only does it make me sad but it fills me with loathing. it fills me with a hatred for modern man, including myself. it disgusts me that i'm part of this race of Neanderthals bent on the consumption of everything around them. it sickens me to the point of nausea. and as i ponder this in my mind i wonder... if there really is an "all knowing" deity who created this world, it makes absolutely NO sense at all why this deity would create humanity. to me it's the same as painting a masterpiece landscape that captures all the beauty of the world... and then lighting to corner on fire. humanity is the flame that will consume this world and everything in it. the more i think about it the less sense it makes. humans are a plague. a virus. we move, we settle, we destroy everything around us, and we multiply, and the cycle continues. isn't it obvious that we're doomed to failure? the only sense i can make of "religion" is the idea that "someday" an all-powerful all-wise being will come and save us from ourselves. but if we were never created in the first place, we wouldn't need saving.

all our ambitions are meaningless unless they contribute to the good of all, and by all i mean ALL. not all people. all everything. example... i have the ambition to be a famous musician. but someday i will die. the people who knew me will remember me, but someday they will die too. maybe some of my songs will endure for a time, if i'm lucky... but what does that matter. because someday all the people that listen to my songs will die. what does it change. what does it accomplish. nothing. 

i decided that when i die, which i honestly hope is soon, i no longer want to be burned, scattered, shot into space, embalmed, entombed... whatever. i want to be buried, just as i am. no casket. no preservatives. no clothes. i want someone to dig a hole in the ground and toss my naked corpse in it. let it rot. let it feed the soil. and maybe, just maybe, my decomposing husk can feed some grass, which can feed a rabbit, which can feed a fox... so on and so on. that is the most beautiful and meaningful ambition i can imagine. humanity is doomed to destroy everything, including itself. why would i want to be a part of that. i don't. and because of this i no longer value human life, not even my own. i literally want to die. i want to rot. i want to give myself back to this planet as an apology for the folly of my race. 

humanity disgusts me.

placebo effect

everything comes to a needle's point in the pit of my stomach with a stabbing motion. nothing in the room is where it was left by the last hands that touched it. the laws of physics have been turned inside out and sent to parade naked in the streets while inside this hell everything floats spins tumbles and disassembles itself with the efficiency of a colony of ants in the summer. razor edges have become dull. this knife bumps against my skin like a dead fish bleeding from its gills, while the carpet cuts crisscrosses in the soles of my feet with laser precision. everything has become a mockery of itself, like some nightmarish curse from the bowels of an aztec temple. water in my throat turns to chalk dust from an old eraser. i run my fingers through my dirty hair and my hand gets caught in the tangle of barbed-wire sprouting from my skull. i'm alone, but the silence deafens me in a mocking voice. i can't get anything done like this. the world is falling apart. the lights flicker and fail. in the last bit of light before darkness swallows everything, i think i catch a shadow climbing up the wall in the edges of my failing vision. i can't get anything done like this. the music that only a moment ago buffered my sanity against this onslaught of sensory madness has now devolved into the screams and cries of the damned. the sounds of instruments of music give way to the sounds of instruments of torture. metal chimes against metal, thuds against flesh. something in the distance makes a splattering sound. i haven't moved, but i have become completely disoriented. am i... was i sitting or... there was a table here... i'm afraid to reach out, but i have to... my fingers shake and stretch outward slowly, tentatively... i feel the leaves and thorns of a rosebush, ivy climbing up a moisture slicked wall of concrete, a wind starts to blow, doors slam, animals cry, the ground heaves and then collapses, all i can feel is the sensation of falling, all i know is the sensation of falling. the needles in my stomach jump, float for a moment, and then tumble down into my gut. everything is blackness and spinning. nothing makes sense. blood flows from a dirty tap that can't be stopped. the drain is clogged with globs of unidentifiable organic matter. a light appears, like a flashlight beam on the last breath of its batteries catching the dust in the air. it sweeps back and forth, flickers, and fails. crawling on hands and knees in the gore and dirt, i find an opening in the ground. a warm breeze wafts upwards from the unfathomable depths. behind me i hear chains rattle. the idea of choice no longer exists. i tip forward face first into the abyss, and let go...