Progress

I've come to the conclusion that I only really feel inspired to write blog posts when i actually have something important to say. i don't do the day-to-day, here's-a-post-so-you-can-stalk-me crap. i'm only going to post on here now if i have something really worthwhile or meaningful to share.

tonight we're going to talk about death.
it came to my attention about two weeks ago that i no longer feared death, but i didn't realize until a couple days ago why. i've discovered that everything... EVERYTHING... absolutely everything, and i DO mean e v e r y t h i n g in the universe serves a purpose. everything. everything serves a purpose. nothing happens without having a purpose to happen. nothing is random. that being said, death (which is included in EVERYTHING) also serves a purpose. every time. every death that has ever happened or will ever happen is going to happen for a very specific reason to render a very specific result and influence on the outcome of everything else in the universe. in the most basic of terms... everyone dies for a reason. no one has ever died "pointlessly" or died "before their time." you die precisely when you were meant to die, after you've done what you were meant to do, and your death will serve the purpose it was meant to serve when it happens, which is why it happens.

nobody has ever died pointlessly. nobody has ever died when they weren't supposed to. when i die, it will be for a specific purpose, at a specific time, after i've done whatever it is i was born to do.

now you may be thinking that this idea has WAY too much pre-destination for your taste, so let's talk about that for a minute now. let's talk about destiny.

call it what you will: destiny, fate, pre-destination, whatever. i have come to the conclusion, based on my experiences, that we all exist in the world to accomplish a purpose or an end. why would we exist if it wasn't for a specific reason. as i stated earlier, i am CONVINCED everything happens for a reason, and that also includes existence. so if we exist for a reason, that reason exists with us, and stays with us until we complete it. if we complete it, we die. if we absolutely cannot complete it, our death will serve a purpose towards the completion of it. this is what i believe. our destinies are pre-determined BUT we still have free will. how can this be? because our course in life is directed by our REACTIONS. we have a destiny, yes, but whether or not we accomplish it or how we go about achieving it is decided by how we choose to react to our external stimuli. free will is nothing more than how we choose to react. those of us who react well and can adapt quickly and learn quickly will succeed, those who don't react properly because they either choose not to or because they lack the ability or mental capacity or reasoning or whatever it is they lack to react properly will "live" themselves into a corner they cannot escape from, and they will die when it becomes clear that it is impossible for them to accomplish what they were born for. it is at this time that their death may cause someone else to become "inspired" to attain the goal that was originally meant for the person who passed.

this is all relatively new idea material in my mind, so i may not be explaining it to the best of my ability, but i am prepared to defend this theory in a logical discussion. hopefully you can get some of the idea i am trying to get across, because later i will build off of this platform to show you what i truly believe the meaning of life really is.

but right now i'm mentally exhausted and i'm going to quit before my thoughts become entirely impossible for anyone else to follow. talk at ya later!

i know it's been a long time since i posted anything, and i feel like maybe i should apologize but i'm not going to. i haven't been posting because the thoughts and experiences i've been having lately have been too deep and too personal to just spray all over the sky for everyone to see. but now i'm going to try and summarize what i've been feeling and thinking lately... it might get kind of deep, it might get heavy, but hey that's the name of the blog right? into the depths? well here we go...

against my better judgement, i have been trying to tackle the age-old question of "what is the meaning of life?"

that's probably my first mistake. some questions are best left unasked. but at some times i feel like the answer is just there, at the tip of my tongue (as the saying goes), and i'm just missing it by some marginal fraction but i still can't put my finger on it. it's so elusive. sometimes i wonder if it is this mystery that keeps us going... we preserve ourselves through the systems in place just so we can see it through to the end, everyone sitting on the edge of their seat waiting for the curtain to rise and reveal whatever it is that they have just paid all their money for.

but i want to get up out of my seat, stand tall, and then walk onto the stage and pull the curtain back for myself and let myself through. i'm not content to sit in my designated seat assigned to me by my ticket stub, i don't want to pay for the cheap popcorn available in the foyer, i want to use my own two legs to walk onto that stage, and my own two arms to tear back the thick red velvet curtain, and my own two eyes to see what lies beyond it... what the next platform of existence is.

as the media panics and the people collapse under the downfall of the american economic system, i find myself more and more becoming detached from these systems of our society that guide us through life like lemmings. we're funneled through schools and filtered into colleges and then placed in a "fulfilling" career carrying out whatever duties are required of us to keep the great wheels of the giant american machine turning. and then what. we achieve some kind of goal or award or career advancement, and then after that comes retirement, job well done, here's some money so you can keep feeding yourself in your old age when your body is to frail to maintain a rigorous work schedule, and then we see the next generation rise up, graduate high school, go into college, choose a career path, and the cycle goes on and on and on... what's the point?

i can't accept this. i am not going to sit on this assembly line and let the machines of society pound me into shape to be just another gear in the great failing machine of this social structure. it's going to collapse, sooner or later, and i do NOT want to go down with it.

honestly i can't even see myself fitting into the great world machine anyway. i'm an artist... i'm a musician... that's all that i understand, it's all that i know. i'll play the game and do the dance as best i can... just so i can support my art. but my end goal is to have my art support ME. i can't imagine any other lifestyle... i can't imagine being satisfied with having a day job... i can't imagine having a regular schedule or routine... all i can see for myself is music. music is the only thing in the world that i understand. it is the only thing i can relate to. it is the only way i can truly express myself. it's all i know. it's all i want. it's everything to me.

i will be satisfied, and i will be able to leave the stage of this life with grace and contentment, when i know that my place in musical history is secure. i want to exist as a definable point in musical history. that's all i ask. and i believe i have the power to do that, with this project, Abyssal. We have what it takes to change everything... it's just the System that stands in our way. with it's entry fee.

i hate the system.