i know it's been a long time since i posted anything, and i feel like maybe i should apologize but i'm not going to. i haven't been posting because the thoughts and experiences i've been having lately have been too deep and too personal to just spray all over the sky for everyone to see. but now i'm going to try and summarize what i've been feeling and thinking lately... it might get kind of deep, it might get heavy, but hey that's the name of the blog right? into the depths? well here we go...

against my better judgement, i have been trying to tackle the age-old question of "what is the meaning of life?"

that's probably my first mistake. some questions are best left unasked. but at some times i feel like the answer is just there, at the tip of my tongue (as the saying goes), and i'm just missing it by some marginal fraction but i still can't put my finger on it. it's so elusive. sometimes i wonder if it is this mystery that keeps us going... we preserve ourselves through the systems in place just so we can see it through to the end, everyone sitting on the edge of their seat waiting for the curtain to rise and reveal whatever it is that they have just paid all their money for.

but i want to get up out of my seat, stand tall, and then walk onto the stage and pull the curtain back for myself and let myself through. i'm not content to sit in my designated seat assigned to me by my ticket stub, i don't want to pay for the cheap popcorn available in the foyer, i want to use my own two legs to walk onto that stage, and my own two arms to tear back the thick red velvet curtain, and my own two eyes to see what lies beyond it... what the next platform of existence is.

as the media panics and the people collapse under the downfall of the american economic system, i find myself more and more becoming detached from these systems of our society that guide us through life like lemmings. we're funneled through schools and filtered into colleges and then placed in a "fulfilling" career carrying out whatever duties are required of us to keep the great wheels of the giant american machine turning. and then what. we achieve some kind of goal or award or career advancement, and then after that comes retirement, job well done, here's some money so you can keep feeding yourself in your old age when your body is to frail to maintain a rigorous work schedule, and then we see the next generation rise up, graduate high school, go into college, choose a career path, and the cycle goes on and on and on... what's the point?

i can't accept this. i am not going to sit on this assembly line and let the machines of society pound me into shape to be just another gear in the great failing machine of this social structure. it's going to collapse, sooner or later, and i do NOT want to go down with it.

honestly i can't even see myself fitting into the great world machine anyway. i'm an artist... i'm a musician... that's all that i understand, it's all that i know. i'll play the game and do the dance as best i can... just so i can support my art. but my end goal is to have my art support ME. i can't imagine any other lifestyle... i can't imagine being satisfied with having a day job... i can't imagine having a regular schedule or routine... all i can see for myself is music. music is the only thing in the world that i understand. it is the only thing i can relate to. it is the only way i can truly express myself. it's all i know. it's all i want. it's everything to me.

i will be satisfied, and i will be able to leave the stage of this life with grace and contentment, when i know that my place in musical history is secure. i want to exist as a definable point in musical history. that's all i ask. and i believe i have the power to do that, with this project, Abyssal. We have what it takes to change everything... it's just the System that stands in our way. with it's entry fee.

i hate the system.