i am below you all, i am above you all. part 1

ripples of water lethargically caress the shoreline of my consciousness. as they recede in the awkward ebb and flow rhythm, infantile body parts and chunks of wreckage are drawn down into the soggy brown sand, half-formed impressions, abandoned dreams, impulses and ideas, victims to the whim and unpredictable tides of my mind's ocean. underneath the once foamy surface, now almost still in this recession of mental activity, the black depths greedily grasp the empty rotting hulls of a thousand nightmares. luminescent coral spreads across these shipwrecked giants like cancer, softening the edges of the utter blackness within the empty portholes. the blackness seems infinite, staring blankly into the abyss like dead eyes never mercifully closed by the hands of the coroner. these corpses never made it onto the gurney. they lie where they were left. abandoned shells, empty vessels, on the ocean floor.

reluctantly i complete my preparations. double check the heavy gear now harnessed to my aching back, reminding myself of the small mercies of buoyancy that will reduce the load of my life-preserving equipment as soon as i cross over into the other side, the cold black emptiness of the sea. the air pumped through hoses into my mask tastes like rubber and aluminum, like the last drop from a flat can of soda. i wince as i stand, the buckles and straps cutting into my skin. with one last glance at the stars, i turn my back, relax my knees, and fall.

the impact against the unforgiving surface is like a reverse slap in the face, at once revitalizing my senses and assaulting them with frigid temperatures and crushing pressure. after a moment of readjusting to this new and hostile environment i kick my legs and angle my body downwards, beginning my descent. at first all is blackness, then the faintest of outlines manifests in the unfathomable distance, the first hints of the glowing reef, captor and curator of my failures. the rectangular patch of plastic which serves as my window into this otherworld actually begins to form frost around its rounded edges as i plow deeper into the enclosing embrace of this sub-aquatic cemetery. my glowing guide grows brighter with each writhing stroke i take. the water i pass through now is populated with miscellaneous flotsam and jetsam that scatters around and behind in my passing wake. the deeper i go, the larger the floating pieces become, some of them faintly shimmering with their own cancerous passengers. i feel the tug of a an underwater current as i pass over the opening of the yawning chasm which is home to my destination. it pulls me closer, welcoming, seducing, sinisterly, lovingly, like a murderer welcoming his prey into the theater of demise.

i straighten my body, joints and muscles rigid with the cold of the deep, and let the current draw me in. i recognize the forms of these captive giants, aglow with the wrapped appendages of their coral dungeon, this final resting place of hopeless hopes. the decaying spars and masts are part of this landscape now, as at peace here as if they themselves grew from out of the walls of this deep trench. each shadow is as vivid in my memory as they are now before me. this makeshift mausoleum is a part of my mentality, a permanent occupant of my mind. as i drop nearer and nearer to the wreck beneath me, the gauges that populate the rigging across my chest reach their redlines, warning me of the pressure under which i sink. finally my feet feel the uneven surface of a derelict deck. i rest my aching limbs for a moment, and then remove from a pouch a sample bag and small wide-bladed knife. this isn't recreation. this is a necessary task, a duty, one that i perform with nauseating regularity. like a sleepwalker, i slowly approach the nearest branch of coral. it radiates with a sickening hue, casting the already morbid scene around it under the pale green tint of poison and decay. as i reach out my knife it seems to pulse with a brighter light in anticipation of the desecration i am about to perform.

the following moments pass like the frames of a horror film, one that's been watched so many times as to assimilate itself into memory. were my eyes squeezed shut and hid behind my hands i would still see what passed before them under the murky glow. the wavering dead-looking sea grass. the glint of the knife's reflective blade. the miniature bubbles that rise from the breaking of the coral, like blood spewing from a fresh wound. and as the finger of reef that i cut floats serenely into the clear plastic bag i hold ready, out of reflex, my eyes actually do squeeze closed. a piercing shriek, like that of a woman being stabbed by a rapist, vibrates through the water around me. it's volume is deafening, it pummels my eardrums and sends involuntary spasms through my nerves. it seems to come from everywhere and nowhere, from the black dead abyss of the wrecked hulls or from the massive glowing reef itself, or from some other source beyond any discernible distance, i cannot tell. it surrounds me, seems to reach out from the depths and choke me, as if in judgement for what i have done. with sample clutched between knuckles that are probably white beneath the gloves, i kick my legs are hard and fast as i can to escape from the horrible aural onslaught. heedless of any sense of direction i simply flee from the radioactive glow of the graveyard.

even as i break the surface of the deceptively placid waters under the night sky, the shrieking continues to echo in my ears. too terrible to endure, but also too awful for my memory to let it pass. i climb back aboard my drifting vessel and hastily undo the buckles and straps that tether me to my sources of survival. as they fall clattering to the deck of the ship, i also turn and drop, face up to the cloudless night sky. a black abyss above me and below me. i lay on the razor's edge that separates infinity from infinity, gasping lungfuls of the chilly midnight air. my stomach tightens from the stress, and as quickly as i can i pull myself to my knees and crawl to the edge of my craft, retching. a thick tar-like substance splatters in droplets, staining the deck and casting new sets of ripples across the surface of the deep. it leaves an aftertaste like blood and bile. for a few minutes, i pathetically grip the rails at deck's edge and hang my face over the side of the boat, coughing and sputtering, my sides clenching, until the fit passes and leaves me empty and exhausted.

below decks, behind a sealed bulkhead, is a chamber that looks not unlike a chemist's lab. mortar and pestle sit on a table covered with glass tubes, burners, beakers, stands, other instruments and effects unrecognizable to the untrained eye. it is here that i bring my prize. now above the surface and under the harsh fluorescent lights that flicker and buzz overhead, it has lost its iridescent sheen and now has a translucent paleness, like the partly developed bones of some stillborn creature. i grind it to a fine powder and the task of isolating the compound i require from it begins.

more fits of coughing and spitting black globs of infection interrupt my work at increasing intervals. the process is a delicate and time-consuming one, but time is something that becomes a more precious commodity to someone of my condition than diamonds or oil. my pale sickly hands show a latticework of dark purple veins as they flash under the light, deftly performing this scientific exercise with the precision and speed of memorized movement. soon the process is complete and i hold the result inside a small syringe. so much trouble for such a small yield...

like a junkie, i pull the emptied needle from the crux of my arm. i absently replace it with a small bandage as the exhaustion i've held at bay until now washes over my aching body. with protest from every limb, i rise to my feet and shuffle, zombie-like, out of the lab and into a small cabin where a hard bunk welcomes me like the warm arms of a lover long missed. without even cutting the harsh overhead lights i quickly succumb to sleep...

finally, an outline

okay well this is SUPPOSED to end up being the outline for the book i want to write before i die. who knows when that will be, so i'm going to try and finish it as soon as possible. so... maybe a year? yeah, give me a year. i should hopefully have it done by december. but anyway i'm getting sidetracked. the reason i haven't started yet is because i have too many ideas and i don't know how to organize them into coherent passages that can be read alone or in sequence to improve upon the weight of their meaning. hence, an outline is needed. but all the fart sounds in the world couldn't make my head any clearer right now... sorry that's kind of an inside joke. i'm not going to explain it. anyway... i really don't know where to start, even with my outline. so what i'm going to do is i'm going to get up and pee, and then i'm going to just write nonesense until something coherent glints at me from inside all the shit on the page.
ok i'm back.
i'm also kind of dreading the thoughts of all the cleaning i need to do tomorrow... but cleaning is part of the universal balance, so i am obligated to carry it out to the best of my ability.
i'm just going to start writing words that are related to all the subjects/points i want to cover and maybe it'll push me off the diving board into the pool and i can start swimming in them.
humanity, god, universe, science, systems, society, humans, living, dying, balance, science, logic, reason, understanding.... everything. hmmm. oh, i should mention. i'm writing this entirely for my own benefit, so if you don't follow my thoughts here don't worry. i just think this looks classier than an open text document. basically, i believe every problem you encounter has a root, a source, sometimes it's hidden, but there's always one underlying principle or instance or circumstance or event or SOMETHING that caused the problem to begin with. find the source, deal with it, watch the problem disappear. that's what i want to accomplish with my book. our world today is full of problems. all of the problems were made by people. and all the problems made by people were made mostly because they didn't understand what they were doing. we are really a very stupid species... it's our smartness that makes us stupid. we spend so much time trying to be clever that we completely shut out our instincts and ignore the natural order of things, and that is when we cause problems. i want to point out the root causes of the biggest problems of today, and maybe a few people will understand what i'm getting at and live there lives a little differently. who knows. but the big topics are the ones i need to outline. i'm just not sure what order i should put them in.... i need the book to progress, i need each idea to build onto the next one, so that at the end you are buried under a tower of enlightenment. but how.... i think it should be something like Humanity -> Religion -> Science -> Society.... no that doesn't work.... I need to lead with Humanity, because being human is what it's going to be all about and it will carry through each section. sooo... humanity, society, religion, science... or science, religion... or i could just wrap both those into one section really. hmmm. a 3 parter? humans by themselves, humans as a species, humans as sentient beings in the universe. take a snapshot and then zoom out... zoom out again... zoom out again. hmmmm. okay. good start.

what do you when you're fed up with the status quo? when you realize that there are certain things in the universe that you want to be different that never will be? how do you handle it when you realize you will never EVER be satisfied with your life, because of facts of nature that exist outside of your influence? the only reason i haven't killed myself yet is because i feel like i have so much to give to this world, but now i really don't feel like giving it. since when did the world deserve anything i could offer it? where is my reward? oh, i'll be rewarded in death? then why keep them waiting. let's go.

nothing makes sense anymore

i just took a long walk around two of the lakes in our apartment complex. and as i admired the trees and the water i realized... the world is beautiful. but people are ugly. and because of this, i no longer value human life. we are the virus that plagues this beautiful world. we do not fit into the system of nature at all. everything we touch we destroy. someday humanity will kill itself off. we'll become extinct for one reason or another. i just hope that the planet outlives us and we don't end up destroying it as well... but i'm almost completely certain we will. and not only does it make me sad but it fills me with loathing. it fills me with a hatred for modern man, including myself. it disgusts me that i'm part of this race of Neanderthals bent on the consumption of everything around them. it sickens me to the point of nausea. and as i ponder this in my mind i wonder... if there really is an "all knowing" deity who created this world, it makes absolutely NO sense at all why this deity would create humanity. to me it's the same as painting a masterpiece landscape that captures all the beauty of the world... and then lighting to corner on fire. humanity is the flame that will consume this world and everything in it. the more i think about it the less sense it makes. humans are a plague. a virus. we move, we settle, we destroy everything around us, and we multiply, and the cycle continues. isn't it obvious that we're doomed to failure? the only sense i can make of "religion" is the idea that "someday" an all-powerful all-wise being will come and save us from ourselves. but if we were never created in the first place, we wouldn't need saving.

all our ambitions are meaningless unless they contribute to the good of all, and by all i mean ALL. not all people. all everything. example... i have the ambition to be a famous musician. but someday i will die. the people who knew me will remember me, but someday they will die too. maybe some of my songs will endure for a time, if i'm lucky... but what does that matter. because someday all the people that listen to my songs will die. what does it change. what does it accomplish. nothing. 

i decided that when i die, which i honestly hope is soon, i no longer want to be burned, scattered, shot into space, embalmed, entombed... whatever. i want to be buried, just as i am. no casket. no preservatives. no clothes. i want someone to dig a hole in the ground and toss my naked corpse in it. let it rot. let it feed the soil. and maybe, just maybe, my decomposing husk can feed some grass, which can feed a rabbit, which can feed a fox... so on and so on. that is the most beautiful and meaningful ambition i can imagine. humanity is doomed to destroy everything, including itself. why would i want to be a part of that. i don't. and because of this i no longer value human life, not even my own. i literally want to die. i want to rot. i want to give myself back to this planet as an apology for the folly of my race. 

humanity disgusts me.

placebo effect

everything comes to a needle's point in the pit of my stomach with a stabbing motion. nothing in the room is where it was left by the last hands that touched it. the laws of physics have been turned inside out and sent to parade naked in the streets while inside this hell everything floats spins tumbles and disassembles itself with the efficiency of a colony of ants in the summer. razor edges have become dull. this knife bumps against my skin like a dead fish bleeding from its gills, while the carpet cuts crisscrosses in the soles of my feet with laser precision. everything has become a mockery of itself, like some nightmarish curse from the bowels of an aztec temple. water in my throat turns to chalk dust from an old eraser. i run my fingers through my dirty hair and my hand gets caught in the tangle of barbed-wire sprouting from my skull. i'm alone, but the silence deafens me in a mocking voice. i can't get anything done like this. the world is falling apart. the lights flicker and fail. in the last bit of light before darkness swallows everything, i think i catch a shadow climbing up the wall in the edges of my failing vision. i can't get anything done like this. the music that only a moment ago buffered my sanity against this onslaught of sensory madness has now devolved into the screams and cries of the damned. the sounds of instruments of music give way to the sounds of instruments of torture. metal chimes against metal, thuds against flesh. something in the distance makes a splattering sound. i haven't moved, but i have become completely disoriented. am i... was i sitting or... there was a table here... i'm afraid to reach out, but i have to... my fingers shake and stretch outward slowly, tentatively... i feel the leaves and thorns of a rosebush, ivy climbing up a moisture slicked wall of concrete, a wind starts to blow, doors slam, animals cry, the ground heaves and then collapses, all i can feel is the sensation of falling, all i know is the sensation of falling. the needles in my stomach jump, float for a moment, and then tumble down into my gut. everything is blackness and spinning. nothing makes sense. blood flows from a dirty tap that can't be stopped. the drain is clogged with globs of unidentifiable organic matter. a light appears, like a flashlight beam on the last breath of its batteries catching the dust in the air. it sweeps back and forth, flickers, and fails. crawling on hands and knees in the gore and dirt, i find an opening in the ground. a warm breeze wafts upwards from the unfathomable depths. behind me i hear chains rattle. the idea of choice no longer exists. i tip forward face first into the abyss, and let go...

The Human Experience

Got some more heavy thoughts for you, kiddies. So fasten your seatbelts because this ride is about to turn upside-down.

In this post we're going to talk about what it really means to be Human. What makes us different and why, and how we should use that knowledge to better understand and influence the way we live our short meaningless lives.

The human life is rooted in the physical. We have physical bodies that we use to interact with the physical things around us. Our perspective is limited to the things that physically exist in front of us. Some of us get lost in this perception and come to the false conclusion that only physical things are real since that's all our bodies can understand as input. But if you truly believe this you may as well wear horse blinders and hop around on one foot to give yourself an idea of how this lack of understanding impairs you. Example. Just because the infrared spectrum can't be seen by the naked eye doesn't mean it isn't real. Science has proved it is real and it is now able to be experienced via technology. But if you tried to explain Infrared light to an ancient Roman (assuming you could communicate at all) they would probably cut off your head. Why? Because their perspective was limited. They couldn't accept that something they couldn't see could exist. This kind of thinking is a HINDRANCE to progress of any kind.

Anyway, i said all of that to illustrate a point. The point being we root ourselves in the physical and often ignore everything else. Agreed? Okay. Let's move on. I'm going somewhere with this.

If the defining factor of being a Human is our unique ability to process and believe in our physical experience, then EVERYTHING about the physical experience is part of what makes us human. This includes things like pain, discomfort, being tired... These things should not be feared because they are part of what makes us who we are. To me, pain only serves to prove my humanity and therefore my existence. "I hurt, therefore I am."

Also fear itself has no place in the rational open mind. Not even the fear of fear. I mean, just think about that phrase for a moment. The fear of fear. It makes me want to laugh.
What are things that we as humans commonly fear? The fear of not being comfortable, not being in control. The fear of death is a big one... one that i have already conquered and i hope someday you will too. The fear of the unknown or foreign. Foreign ideas, foreign surroundings, anything we don't recognize and instantly understand holds a fear and a mystery for us. But why is this? BECAUSE WE CRIPPLE OURSELVES THROUGH LIMITED PERCEPTION. If you understand that "there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreampt of in your philosophies" you will realize that you have nothing to fear of the unknown. It has existed longer than you have, probably longer than humans as a a race have, and it hasn't wiped us out yet so why be afraid of it? Even if something has the ability to kill me, that's the worst it can do. And not fearing death, this is an empty threat.
In conclusion to this current line of thought, Fear is also a part of the Human Experience but it is a part that needs to be controlled, dominated, subjugated, and ultimately conquered. Fear is a hindrance to personal progress.

As humans with limited perceptions, living inside the maze we've built for ourselves with walls made out of our own imaginary impossibilities, we have created systems of government to maintain "Order" inside these mazes. Because weak-minded humans who can't see past their own face can't maintain any kind of order on their own. Governments, given this power of their people, the power of Fear, use it to their advantage to gain more Control. A government is basically a larger human structure that bullies the smaller individual humans under it into submission. Do you fear anarchy? Do you fear chaos? Why? Because you have been TAUGHT to. The human condition IS chaos. We are born into a chaotic world and we will die in an even more chaotic world, if physics have been proven by science to be true than the theory of Entropy is also true and if you would take one single minute to open your eyes and look past your blinders at the world around you, you would see it to be true. Chaos is eternal. Why run from it? Why fear it? Fearing it will accomplish nothing. It will only limit you. Fear is a shackle. Fear is the saw that amputates our limbs, leaving us helpless. I have chosen to accept chaos as a fact of my daily life, and my life has benefited from it. Because if i no longer fear it, i am free to move in, out, and among it peacefully.

Worry is no longer part of my vocabulary. This world is bigger than myself, it contains mysteries that i will never discover, but i am at peace with that. And because of that, i am FREE.

that's all for now. my brain is tired.

Progress

I've come to the conclusion that I only really feel inspired to write blog posts when i actually have something important to say. i don't do the day-to-day, here's-a-post-so-you-can-stalk-me crap. i'm only going to post on here now if i have something really worthwhile or meaningful to share.

tonight we're going to talk about death.
it came to my attention about two weeks ago that i no longer feared death, but i didn't realize until a couple days ago why. i've discovered that everything... EVERYTHING... absolutely everything, and i DO mean e v e r y t h i n g in the universe serves a purpose. everything. everything serves a purpose. nothing happens without having a purpose to happen. nothing is random. that being said, death (which is included in EVERYTHING) also serves a purpose. every time. every death that has ever happened or will ever happen is going to happen for a very specific reason to render a very specific result and influence on the outcome of everything else in the universe. in the most basic of terms... everyone dies for a reason. no one has ever died "pointlessly" or died "before their time." you die precisely when you were meant to die, after you've done what you were meant to do, and your death will serve the purpose it was meant to serve when it happens, which is why it happens.

nobody has ever died pointlessly. nobody has ever died when they weren't supposed to. when i die, it will be for a specific purpose, at a specific time, after i've done whatever it is i was born to do.

now you may be thinking that this idea has WAY too much pre-destination for your taste, so let's talk about that for a minute now. let's talk about destiny.

call it what you will: destiny, fate, pre-destination, whatever. i have come to the conclusion, based on my experiences, that we all exist in the world to accomplish a purpose or an end. why would we exist if it wasn't for a specific reason. as i stated earlier, i am CONVINCED everything happens for a reason, and that also includes existence. so if we exist for a reason, that reason exists with us, and stays with us until we complete it. if we complete it, we die. if we absolutely cannot complete it, our death will serve a purpose towards the completion of it. this is what i believe. our destinies are pre-determined BUT we still have free will. how can this be? because our course in life is directed by our REACTIONS. we have a destiny, yes, but whether or not we accomplish it or how we go about achieving it is decided by how we choose to react to our external stimuli. free will is nothing more than how we choose to react. those of us who react well and can adapt quickly and learn quickly will succeed, those who don't react properly because they either choose not to or because they lack the ability or mental capacity or reasoning or whatever it is they lack to react properly will "live" themselves into a corner they cannot escape from, and they will die when it becomes clear that it is impossible for them to accomplish what they were born for. it is at this time that their death may cause someone else to become "inspired" to attain the goal that was originally meant for the person who passed.

this is all relatively new idea material in my mind, so i may not be explaining it to the best of my ability, but i am prepared to defend this theory in a logical discussion. hopefully you can get some of the idea i am trying to get across, because later i will build off of this platform to show you what i truly believe the meaning of life really is.

but right now i'm mentally exhausted and i'm going to quit before my thoughts become entirely impossible for anyone else to follow. talk at ya later!