nothing makes sense anymore

i just took a long walk around two of the lakes in our apartment complex. and as i admired the trees and the water i realized... the world is beautiful. but people are ugly. and because of this, i no longer value human life. we are the virus that plagues this beautiful world. we do not fit into the system of nature at all. everything we touch we destroy. someday humanity will kill itself off. we'll become extinct for one reason or another. i just hope that the planet outlives us and we don't end up destroying it as well... but i'm almost completely certain we will. and not only does it make me sad but it fills me with loathing. it fills me with a hatred for modern man, including myself. it disgusts me that i'm part of this race of Neanderthals bent on the consumption of everything around them. it sickens me to the point of nausea. and as i ponder this in my mind i wonder... if there really is an "all knowing" deity who created this world, it makes absolutely NO sense at all why this deity would create humanity. to me it's the same as painting a masterpiece landscape that captures all the beauty of the world... and then lighting to corner on fire. humanity is the flame that will consume this world and everything in it. the more i think about it the less sense it makes. humans are a plague. a virus. we move, we settle, we destroy everything around us, and we multiply, and the cycle continues. isn't it obvious that we're doomed to failure? the only sense i can make of "religion" is the idea that "someday" an all-powerful all-wise being will come and save us from ourselves. but if we were never created in the first place, we wouldn't need saving.

all our ambitions are meaningless unless they contribute to the good of all, and by all i mean ALL. not all people. all everything. example... i have the ambition to be a famous musician. but someday i will die. the people who knew me will remember me, but someday they will die too. maybe some of my songs will endure for a time, if i'm lucky... but what does that matter. because someday all the people that listen to my songs will die. what does it change. what does it accomplish. nothing. 

i decided that when i die, which i honestly hope is soon, i no longer want to be burned, scattered, shot into space, embalmed, entombed... whatever. i want to be buried, just as i am. no casket. no preservatives. no clothes. i want someone to dig a hole in the ground and toss my naked corpse in it. let it rot. let it feed the soil. and maybe, just maybe, my decomposing husk can feed some grass, which can feed a rabbit, which can feed a fox... so on and so on. that is the most beautiful and meaningful ambition i can imagine. humanity is doomed to destroy everything, including itself. why would i want to be a part of that. i don't. and because of this i no longer value human life, not even my own. i literally want to die. i want to rot. i want to give myself back to this planet as an apology for the folly of my race. 

humanity disgusts me.

placebo effect

everything comes to a needle's point in the pit of my stomach with a stabbing motion. nothing in the room is where it was left by the last hands that touched it. the laws of physics have been turned inside out and sent to parade naked in the streets while inside this hell everything floats spins tumbles and disassembles itself with the efficiency of a colony of ants in the summer. razor edges have become dull. this knife bumps against my skin like a dead fish bleeding from its gills, while the carpet cuts crisscrosses in the soles of my feet with laser precision. everything has become a mockery of itself, like some nightmarish curse from the bowels of an aztec temple. water in my throat turns to chalk dust from an old eraser. i run my fingers through my dirty hair and my hand gets caught in the tangle of barbed-wire sprouting from my skull. i'm alone, but the silence deafens me in a mocking voice. i can't get anything done like this. the world is falling apart. the lights flicker and fail. in the last bit of light before darkness swallows everything, i think i catch a shadow climbing up the wall in the edges of my failing vision. i can't get anything done like this. the music that only a moment ago buffered my sanity against this onslaught of sensory madness has now devolved into the screams and cries of the damned. the sounds of instruments of music give way to the sounds of instruments of torture. metal chimes against metal, thuds against flesh. something in the distance makes a splattering sound. i haven't moved, but i have become completely disoriented. am i... was i sitting or... there was a table here... i'm afraid to reach out, but i have to... my fingers shake and stretch outward slowly, tentatively... i feel the leaves and thorns of a rosebush, ivy climbing up a moisture slicked wall of concrete, a wind starts to blow, doors slam, animals cry, the ground heaves and then collapses, all i can feel is the sensation of falling, all i know is the sensation of falling. the needles in my stomach jump, float for a moment, and then tumble down into my gut. everything is blackness and spinning. nothing makes sense. blood flows from a dirty tap that can't be stopped. the drain is clogged with globs of unidentifiable organic matter. a light appears, like a flashlight beam on the last breath of its batteries catching the dust in the air. it sweeps back and forth, flickers, and fails. crawling on hands and knees in the gore and dirt, i find an opening in the ground. a warm breeze wafts upwards from the unfathomable depths. behind me i hear chains rattle. the idea of choice no longer exists. i tip forward face first into the abyss, and let go...

The Human Experience

Got some more heavy thoughts for you, kiddies. So fasten your seatbelts because this ride is about to turn upside-down.

In this post we're going to talk about what it really means to be Human. What makes us different and why, and how we should use that knowledge to better understand and influence the way we live our short meaningless lives.

The human life is rooted in the physical. We have physical bodies that we use to interact with the physical things around us. Our perspective is limited to the things that physically exist in front of us. Some of us get lost in this perception and come to the false conclusion that only physical things are real since that's all our bodies can understand as input. But if you truly believe this you may as well wear horse blinders and hop around on one foot to give yourself an idea of how this lack of understanding impairs you. Example. Just because the infrared spectrum can't be seen by the naked eye doesn't mean it isn't real. Science has proved it is real and it is now able to be experienced via technology. But if you tried to explain Infrared light to an ancient Roman (assuming you could communicate at all) they would probably cut off your head. Why? Because their perspective was limited. They couldn't accept that something they couldn't see could exist. This kind of thinking is a HINDRANCE to progress of any kind.

Anyway, i said all of that to illustrate a point. The point being we root ourselves in the physical and often ignore everything else. Agreed? Okay. Let's move on. I'm going somewhere with this.

If the defining factor of being a Human is our unique ability to process and believe in our physical experience, then EVERYTHING about the physical experience is part of what makes us human. This includes things like pain, discomfort, being tired... These things should not be feared because they are part of what makes us who we are. To me, pain only serves to prove my humanity and therefore my existence. "I hurt, therefore I am."

Also fear itself has no place in the rational open mind. Not even the fear of fear. I mean, just think about that phrase for a moment. The fear of fear. It makes me want to laugh.
What are things that we as humans commonly fear? The fear of not being comfortable, not being in control. The fear of death is a big one... one that i have already conquered and i hope someday you will too. The fear of the unknown or foreign. Foreign ideas, foreign surroundings, anything we don't recognize and instantly understand holds a fear and a mystery for us. But why is this? BECAUSE WE CRIPPLE OURSELVES THROUGH LIMITED PERCEPTION. If you understand that "there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreampt of in your philosophies" you will realize that you have nothing to fear of the unknown. It has existed longer than you have, probably longer than humans as a a race have, and it hasn't wiped us out yet so why be afraid of it? Even if something has the ability to kill me, that's the worst it can do. And not fearing death, this is an empty threat.
In conclusion to this current line of thought, Fear is also a part of the Human Experience but it is a part that needs to be controlled, dominated, subjugated, and ultimately conquered. Fear is a hindrance to personal progress.

As humans with limited perceptions, living inside the maze we've built for ourselves with walls made out of our own imaginary impossibilities, we have created systems of government to maintain "Order" inside these mazes. Because weak-minded humans who can't see past their own face can't maintain any kind of order on their own. Governments, given this power of their people, the power of Fear, use it to their advantage to gain more Control. A government is basically a larger human structure that bullies the smaller individual humans under it into submission. Do you fear anarchy? Do you fear chaos? Why? Because you have been TAUGHT to. The human condition IS chaos. We are born into a chaotic world and we will die in an even more chaotic world, if physics have been proven by science to be true than the theory of Entropy is also true and if you would take one single minute to open your eyes and look past your blinders at the world around you, you would see it to be true. Chaos is eternal. Why run from it? Why fear it? Fearing it will accomplish nothing. It will only limit you. Fear is a shackle. Fear is the saw that amputates our limbs, leaving us helpless. I have chosen to accept chaos as a fact of my daily life, and my life has benefited from it. Because if i no longer fear it, i am free to move in, out, and among it peacefully.

Worry is no longer part of my vocabulary. This world is bigger than myself, it contains mysteries that i will never discover, but i am at peace with that. And because of that, i am FREE.

that's all for now. my brain is tired.

Progress

I've come to the conclusion that I only really feel inspired to write blog posts when i actually have something important to say. i don't do the day-to-day, here's-a-post-so-you-can-stalk-me crap. i'm only going to post on here now if i have something really worthwhile or meaningful to share.

tonight we're going to talk about death.
it came to my attention about two weeks ago that i no longer feared death, but i didn't realize until a couple days ago why. i've discovered that everything... EVERYTHING... absolutely everything, and i DO mean e v e r y t h i n g in the universe serves a purpose. everything. everything serves a purpose. nothing happens without having a purpose to happen. nothing is random. that being said, death (which is included in EVERYTHING) also serves a purpose. every time. every death that has ever happened or will ever happen is going to happen for a very specific reason to render a very specific result and influence on the outcome of everything else in the universe. in the most basic of terms... everyone dies for a reason. no one has ever died "pointlessly" or died "before their time." you die precisely when you were meant to die, after you've done what you were meant to do, and your death will serve the purpose it was meant to serve when it happens, which is why it happens.

nobody has ever died pointlessly. nobody has ever died when they weren't supposed to. when i die, it will be for a specific purpose, at a specific time, after i've done whatever it is i was born to do.

now you may be thinking that this idea has WAY too much pre-destination for your taste, so let's talk about that for a minute now. let's talk about destiny.

call it what you will: destiny, fate, pre-destination, whatever. i have come to the conclusion, based on my experiences, that we all exist in the world to accomplish a purpose or an end. why would we exist if it wasn't for a specific reason. as i stated earlier, i am CONVINCED everything happens for a reason, and that also includes existence. so if we exist for a reason, that reason exists with us, and stays with us until we complete it. if we complete it, we die. if we absolutely cannot complete it, our death will serve a purpose towards the completion of it. this is what i believe. our destinies are pre-determined BUT we still have free will. how can this be? because our course in life is directed by our REACTIONS. we have a destiny, yes, but whether or not we accomplish it or how we go about achieving it is decided by how we choose to react to our external stimuli. free will is nothing more than how we choose to react. those of us who react well and can adapt quickly and learn quickly will succeed, those who don't react properly because they either choose not to or because they lack the ability or mental capacity or reasoning or whatever it is they lack to react properly will "live" themselves into a corner they cannot escape from, and they will die when it becomes clear that it is impossible for them to accomplish what they were born for. it is at this time that their death may cause someone else to become "inspired" to attain the goal that was originally meant for the person who passed.

this is all relatively new idea material in my mind, so i may not be explaining it to the best of my ability, but i am prepared to defend this theory in a logical discussion. hopefully you can get some of the idea i am trying to get across, because later i will build off of this platform to show you what i truly believe the meaning of life really is.

but right now i'm mentally exhausted and i'm going to quit before my thoughts become entirely impossible for anyone else to follow. talk at ya later!

i know it's been a long time since i posted anything, and i feel like maybe i should apologize but i'm not going to. i haven't been posting because the thoughts and experiences i've been having lately have been too deep and too personal to just spray all over the sky for everyone to see. but now i'm going to try and summarize what i've been feeling and thinking lately... it might get kind of deep, it might get heavy, but hey that's the name of the blog right? into the depths? well here we go...

against my better judgement, i have been trying to tackle the age-old question of "what is the meaning of life?"

that's probably my first mistake. some questions are best left unasked. but at some times i feel like the answer is just there, at the tip of my tongue (as the saying goes), and i'm just missing it by some marginal fraction but i still can't put my finger on it. it's so elusive. sometimes i wonder if it is this mystery that keeps us going... we preserve ourselves through the systems in place just so we can see it through to the end, everyone sitting on the edge of their seat waiting for the curtain to rise and reveal whatever it is that they have just paid all their money for.

but i want to get up out of my seat, stand tall, and then walk onto the stage and pull the curtain back for myself and let myself through. i'm not content to sit in my designated seat assigned to me by my ticket stub, i don't want to pay for the cheap popcorn available in the foyer, i want to use my own two legs to walk onto that stage, and my own two arms to tear back the thick red velvet curtain, and my own two eyes to see what lies beyond it... what the next platform of existence is.

as the media panics and the people collapse under the downfall of the american economic system, i find myself more and more becoming detached from these systems of our society that guide us through life like lemmings. we're funneled through schools and filtered into colleges and then placed in a "fulfilling" career carrying out whatever duties are required of us to keep the great wheels of the giant american machine turning. and then what. we achieve some kind of goal or award or career advancement, and then after that comes retirement, job well done, here's some money so you can keep feeding yourself in your old age when your body is to frail to maintain a rigorous work schedule, and then we see the next generation rise up, graduate high school, go into college, choose a career path, and the cycle goes on and on and on... what's the point?

i can't accept this. i am not going to sit on this assembly line and let the machines of society pound me into shape to be just another gear in the great failing machine of this social structure. it's going to collapse, sooner or later, and i do NOT want to go down with it.

honestly i can't even see myself fitting into the great world machine anyway. i'm an artist... i'm a musician... that's all that i understand, it's all that i know. i'll play the game and do the dance as best i can... just so i can support my art. but my end goal is to have my art support ME. i can't imagine any other lifestyle... i can't imagine being satisfied with having a day job... i can't imagine having a regular schedule or routine... all i can see for myself is music. music is the only thing in the world that i understand. it is the only thing i can relate to. it is the only way i can truly express myself. it's all i know. it's all i want. it's everything to me.

i will be satisfied, and i will be able to leave the stage of this life with grace and contentment, when i know that my place in musical history is secure. i want to exist as a definable point in musical history. that's all i ask. and i believe i have the power to do that, with this project, Abyssal. We have what it takes to change everything... it's just the System that stands in our way. with it's entry fee.

i hate the system.

Moonlight Memories

so for those of you who follow our progress on facebook and twitter, you probably already heard that i am once again on a Persona 3 FES kick. it comes as a surprise even to me that i would pick this game up again, not because of anything to do with the game itself, but because of the associations it has within my recent history. in fact, most of my video game collection is now tainted by bittersweet memories of the past, which is why i haven't hardly touched any in about a year. only recently after my move did i start gaming again.

as far as Persona 3 is concerned, the game itself is phenomenal but i won't waste your time by praising it... just watch a video review on IGN or something. i guess it actually goes to show what a wonderful game it is that i choose to play it again because the person who introduced me to it is the one person in this world i can honestly say that i "hate." it's not a feeling i normally would entertain... hate itself, even anger, are concepts that i'm not very familiar with. being a pacifist, i don't really find the capacity for violently negative emotions like those within myself. but, as in everything, there are exceptions. also, the time i spent playing this game the first time through i put over 150 hours into it and each one was spent in the close company of my ex-wife. both of us being enthusiasts of anime and japanese video games, this title was of great interest to us... so much so that i was FORBIDDEN to play for even a moment without her presence. i can only smile at that... even if it is a bitter smile. she loved the stories, soundtracks, and cinematics of these styles of games, but couldn't abide by the turn-based combat of the games themselves. so, as a compromise, she would watch me play through the battles and soak up the rich storyline with me as i quested through. even now as i play i can hear her sarcastic remarks directed at some of the more obnoxious characters or her girlish laugh at the antics unfolding in more humorous parts of the narrative. i remember her opinions on the situations that the main character encounters... it's as if she's still sitting here watching me play but i'm the only one who can hear her but i can't see her...

so not only am i tripping on the nostalgia of the game itself, but i'm constantly being reminded of all the long cold hours she and i spent huddled together in our trashy one bedroom apartment in cleveland... watching the events in the game unfold...

it wouldn't be so hard if i could even text her and just tell her i'm playing it again and we could reminisce together... in fact i think she'd probably be upset with me that i'm playing through again without her... i can already predict the responses i would receive back on my phone... but sadly that can't happen. time takes it's toll on us, we change and so do the people around us, circumstances in life that are completely out of our control tear us each away from one another and shove us in opposite directions, and we all face unique struggles that others may not completely understand. all these factors and countless more are what cause life-long relationships to crumble. i used to think our friendship was invincible... that we had no breaking point when it came to eachother... but no one is immune to life. least of all those who pretend to be.

i don't really know where i'm going with this... or if i have a concluding point. there's not really a moral to this story other than cherish what friendships you have now, because tomorrow they may be gone.
for those of you following my progress as part of Abyssal, or just following my blog in general, i will be posting a video update soon, possibly later tonight, about why i create the kind of music i do and why i believe so strongly in it. check it out, if you get a minute. you might learn something about me :)

Swimming in Blood

sorry it's been a while since my last post, we've been really busy with band stuff the past couple of days and it's consumed all my time. but i'm not complaining at all... finally it seems like we are making the progress we came here to make. here's what's been going on so far: 3 days ago we met a club promoter at walmart (oh the people you'll meet there!) and he seemed interested in our description of our music. we exchange contact info. 2 days ago his boss at the promoting agency calls me, we talk business, and i get really excited. if he decides he likes our music and can work with it we will soon be playing a circuit of clubs in tampa on a regular basis and also getting airtime on 1 local radio station and 2 internet radio stations. that night i write another song, it's an interlude piece that i think i'll be putting between tracks 3 and 4. yesterday the wonderful Brito took band photos and posted our first video update on Youtube, our facebook page went from 9 to over 40 likes, we set up an official Twitter account (which you can follow here), and a very famous person whom we all admire watched our youtube video and looked at our band pics. (oh yeah, you can also watch our video update here)

                                                      Keifer and I discuss all things Abyssal.

as a result of this progress in such a short time, we decided to celebrate in grand fashion last night. i wrote what i believe will be track 4 of our album, we played tons of Metal Gear Solid 2 until shit got TOO real, pigged out on some pizza rolls, watched Rampage (which is an amazing movie, i had no idea that was how the BTK killings went down) and we played a little Super Derpy Helmet Brothers (aka New Super Mario Bros Wii) until Brito couldn't take anymore and dragged Keifer off to bed with her. i woke up this morning and realized that when we party we have a habit of not finishing our drinks, leaving them in obscure places, and starting new drinks while our old drinks sit out. hmmmm.

                                                               A Modern-Day Samurai

anyway this new track... i wish i had a way to post a piece of it because it is FILTHY. it is definitely the grungiest piece of dubstep i have written to date. i can't WAIT to put some of Keifer's piercing cold screams over this dark dirty bassline. it gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. hopefully that will happen soon as we are going to be recording some tracks here in the next couple days so we can send them to the promoter for review.

but for now, night has fallen, which means it's time to wake up, go to taco bell, and watch Teen Titans. because that's how we roll.

First Post

hey guys. it's 5:26 AM... almost my bedtime. we're doing some last minute laundry at the apartments so the Keifer has something to wear to his job interviews tomorrow. i've applied for some pretty cool places myself, but they're all the type of place that has to review your resume before accepting you, which is both good and bad... good because it's very professional, but bad because i'm really impatient. anyway, i don't have anything really profound to say right now, in fact in the state of consciousness/alertness i'm in right now it's difficult to form any coherent thoughts at all. i just wanted to get this thing off the ground. i'm not sure what all features are included in this site yet, but i'm hoping i'll be able to post some of the new tracks i've been working on so you guys can get a sample of what is yet to come...
in the meantime, here's a picture of a manta ray that i found on google images because earlier today i was watching a BBC Oceans documentary.